What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 14:03
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It was going to be , some day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im still living with it.
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I was scared of men, in general
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
We were not on the streets..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Comes on , in middle age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So, i spoilt her more .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was in good health!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ive learnt so much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was very sick at this time too.
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I will be 64.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So whats the point in blame.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I think the readers, may guess!
Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
(And it was in our own minds.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i lived it daily.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I don,t even have a pension.
She wouldn,t have been !
We all went to grammer schools
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot live in the past .
But it wasn’t much.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I have no regrets .
My life is so biszare .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I said to her
I waited trembling.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.